*Disclaimer: This is a very long account of Bennett’s birth (written to him). If you’re grossed out by birth-y things, don’t read it. 🙂 The pictures are intense, but I wouldn’t say they’re graphic. You’ve been warned.
Unless otherwise noted, all photos are by the incredibly talented Keren Fenton of www.thebirthphotographer.com We were SO lucky to have her there to share our experience with us and we will treasure these images for the rest of our lives.
And a quick note, that my account of all this could be way off. I was in another world for a good portion of the birth and things like times, order of events, and who said what might not be accurate…but this is the way I remember it.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman who could or would have a natural childbirth. My perspective on the subject was that there was pain medication for a reason and why wouldn’t I take it if I could get some relief? I thought birth would be intolerable pain that lasted forever. I thought it would be scary and overwhelming and that there was no way I could do it med free even if I wanted to (which I didn’t). In some ways I was right. In others I was so wrong.
Fast forward. I’d read so many books, listened intently at birth class, asked questions of women I knew who had had natural, medicated, and c-section births. I was confident that a natural birth was what was best for you and for my body. I cared more about what was best for you than me, but it didn’t hurt to have some reasons on my list to go natural for myself too. By the time your birthday got here, it wasn’t a question in my mind. I had told anyone who asked that my plan was to labor naturally for as long as possible, but that I wasn’t going to beat myself up if I had to get the epidural. But in my head I had gotten rid of the possibility completely. When we filled out our birth plan we checked the box for an unmedicated delivery and the box that said, “Please don’t offer me pain medication”. Our midwife group was fantastic and the thought didn’t cross my mind that we might not be supported for this experience. Your daddy read a lot too and mentally prepared himself to be my support person.
This is your birth story.
We had our appointments on Friday (the 7th) at exactly 41 weeks. The first was at 11am at Maternal Fetal Medicine where they did an ultrasound to check fluid levels (which were fine) and where we got to see your little face through my belly one more time. You, as usual, had your hand up by your cheek. So cute. The second appointment was with the midwives at 1:30 for a Non Stress Test and a regular checkup. The NST went fine. Your heart rate did just what it was supposed to do when I had contractions and when you moved around (which you did a lot – you dodged the monitor a few times so we had to call the nurse back in to find you again!). Then we chatted with Jenny, one of the midwives, about options for induction if it came to that. I asked her about a membrane sweep. I’d heard it could be painful, but if baby and body were ready it would put you into labor within 12-24hrs…or it could do nothing if baby and/or body weren’t ready. We decided it was a good option being that I was already dilated to a 3 and was 50% effaced. It was ridiculously intense and uncomfortable and after a first sweep, Jenny said she also did a stretch and would like to do it one more time. (Noooo! But okay…) I about squeezed Daddy’s hand off. Jenny said she thought after the first one that it probably wouldn’t be effective, but after the second it seemed a bit more likely to work. We scheduled another appointment for Monday (for pre-induction stuff and other sweep) and then scheduled our induction for Thursday, really hoping we didn’t need it!
After the appointment we went home, took a walk, had some dinner, walked to Safeway for a snack and watched a movie. I was feeling a bit of cramping and some lower back pain, but nothing a whole lot different than I’d been feeling for a few days prior just with a little more intensity (which I kind of blamed on the two walks). I’d also had an upset stomach most of the day (I had thought it was from nerves about the appointments and having to talk induction). Looking back, I think I may have gone into labor around that time without the stretch and sweep, but who knows.
We went to bed around 10:30 and I was still cramping with lower back pain and a little bit of bleeding. I woke up around 2:30 with painful contractions that felt like really strong menstrual cramps combined with the hardening of my whole belly and more lower back pain. I told Daddy I was going downstairs for a while and that I’d come get him if/when I needed him. I watched Garden State and labored a bit on the yoga ball. I tried to time contractions, but they weren’t very consistent. Between 2 and 7 minutes apart. Around 5 they were getting more painful and intense and although I knew there wasn’t much Daddy could do, I went and asked him to come downstairs with me. We watched some kids’ movie that I can’t remember (I don’t think I watched much of it at all) and I labored while he chilled on the couch. I kept trying to time my contractions but never got a real consistent pattern. The closest I got was 3 min, 1 min, 3 min, 1 min, 7 min, 7 min…weird. At about 6:30 we called the midwife to tell her what was going on. She listened to me breathe through a couple of contractions, but said that because I was laughing a little bit in between them, she thought I had some time to labor at home a little longer if I wanted to (because the goal was to go without pain medication, the longer I could labor at home the better). She said stay at home another hour or two depending on what I could stand, but to just call and come in when we were ready. Then we called Nana and Papa, Aunt Katie, and Grandma and Grandpa and told them not to rush, but to start thinking about heading our way.
At this point I was feeling okay. Contractions were getting more and more intense, but I could talk to Daddy in between. I was able to eat some applesauce and a piece of toast and drink some water. I decided to take a shower, but standing up for that long didn’t sound relaxing at all. We put a towel on the shower floor and one on the ledge so I could kneel and lean and let the water hit my lower back. It helped a bit, but splashed all over the bathroom. Daddy put towels all over the floor. I remember thinking we’d have no towels for Aunt Katie when she stayed with us for a night or two after your birth…but that I didn’t care that much. I stayed in there for awhile, but I started to get kind of cold so I got out and got dressed again.
Around 8:30 or so I went upstairs to labor in bed, mostly just for a change of venue. I’d been downstairs for a long time on that ball and in the shower. I did some contractions on my hands and knees in the bed, a few on my knees at the side of the bed and a few leaning over. Then Daddy came up to start gathering his stuff to get going. I was at the point now where I had to stop everything for a contraction and couldn’t even wave Daddy off when he tried to ask me a question while I was having one. I had several contractions while getting ready to go and had Daddy hold me in kind of the “slow dance” position through those. Gathering my toiletries and clothes felt like as much work as I could handle (even though almost all of my stuff was already packed). Daddy asked me if I was sure I was ready to go. He wanted to make sure I didn’t want to wait just a bit longer (we had planned this ahead of time to make sure we labored at home as long as possible). I told him it was time. We needed to go.
At about 9:15 we headed out to the hospital. I was seriously dreading the car ride knowing I wouldn’t be able to move through contractions. Luckily there was no traffic (being Saturday) and it only took us about 15-20 minutes to get there…about 4-5 contractions. Those contractions SUCKED. I would hold hard to the door handle and lift my butt off the seat and breathe through the best I could, but I was SO glad when we made it! I had another contraction getting out of the car, a couple checking in at the front desk, and a few in the hall on the way to triage. Once we got there though and I got changed into my gown they slowed down a lot. Our nurse, Faith, kept telling us that was normal and that the hospital scares them away. They put me on the monitors to check baby’s heart rate and my contractions. Then she called Kim (another of the midwives) and had her come check me. I was super worried I’d be at like 4cm, or even worse, still at 3! I was so relieved when she said I was 6, almost 7. Daddy texted the family to let them know where we were and we got put into a room (2170…don’t ask me why I remember that or why I care to remember).
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Evergreen Hospital is awesome and has one on one nursing through labor and delivery, so Faith was our nurse from the minute we got to triage, until after you were born. She was awesome and we felt lucky to have her (although, to be fair, we loved everyone we encountered at Evergreen!) As soon as we got to the room she got a bath going for me and got me settled in there and gave Daddy some pointers on how to help me with pain (turning on the jets when I was having a contraction, adding more hot water, pouring water over my belly during a contraction, etc.) I stayed in the tub for a while in lots of positions until Keren (the photographer), Aunt Katie, and Nana all arrived. Then I got out and worked through some by leaning over the bed and counter, and sitting on the birth ball.
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PINDaddy was super supportive, rubbing my back and reminding me to breathe (which I didn’t really need yet because the ONLY thing that was helpful was long strong breaths in and out, but I still appreciated just knowing he was there). I think Nana and Aunt Katie struggled a bit seeing me in pain and not really know what to do or how to help. Papa stopped in to say hi and didn’t stay long before heading out the waiting room. I saw Grandma, Grandpa and GG for a minute too, but was at a point where I couldn’t really say hello to them. I remember just trying to wave and wondering if I had actually waved or just thought about it.
PINI tried laboring on the birth ball for a while longer. Then I moved to the bed on my knees with my upper body draped over a beanbag. It felt good to be able to rest my upper body and not hold every part of me up. I stayed here for a long time. I had heard terrible things about back labor throughout my reading and research on birth. I had hoped it wouldn’t happen to me, but as the contractions got more and more intense I knew for sure that’s what I was experiencing. Kim and Faith asked me periodically if I still felt it in my back. I think they were trying to figure out if you had moved positions yet (since your position is what most likely caused the back labor to begin with). I felt it in my back until I started pushing hours later.
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PINThings get a little bit blurry around this point. A lot of my memories after this could be in the wrong order. I was kind of in my own little world and it’s hard to string together a logical progression of events. Kim came in and encouraged me to try the tub again or a shower. I remember telling her I didn’t think I wanted to move that far (even though it was only like 10 feet away). I think she just wanted me to move somewhere because I’d been in the same spot for a while. She asked me to try the birth ball again if I didn’t want to go to the tub. I did but it wasn’t comfortable like it was before, even if I was bouncing or swaying. Nothing was comfortable any more. Daddy, Nana and Kim took turns rubbing my back. I could tell when they switched and I could tell who was behind me by the way they rubbed. Daddy was gentle, Kim was firm, and Nana was both. Daddy took a little break to use the restroom and talk to Grandma and Grandpa. I remember saying it was fine for him to go and then just a few minutes later saying, “WHERE is my husband?!”
Kim told me that the tub or shower were still options. I figured she knew better than I did and a shower probably wasn’t the worst idea in the world. Someone put a chair in there and I sat for a while in the shower while Daddy sprayed hot water directly on my belly during contractions. Looking back I think that I went into transition in the tub. I was really struggling, feeling defeated. This is where I thought, “Now I get why people get epidurals!” Although it never crossed my mind to get one myself (which thinking back really surprises me). I remember turning to Daddy and kind of whimpering, “I don’t want to do this anymore.” It’s all I could think over and over again. I kind of hit a period of doubting myself and it was as mentally hard wading through as it was physically overwhelming and intense and yes, painful.
After the shower I moved back to the bean bag on the bed because it felt so relaxing to not have to hold up my upper body earlier. This time it wasn’t relaxing. I’ll remember this position for the rest of my life because it was so ridiculously intense. Every contraction was debilitating. Before I had just been deep breathing for the most part, but at this point I started “OooooH”ing in a low voice on the exhales of my breaths for pretty much every breath. It helped a little bit, but not a lot. Contractions were coming two at a time, one long intense one followed by a shorter easier one. I dreaded every long one and refused to change positions until the second one passed and I knew I’d get a little more of a break. During these slightly longer breaks (a couple of minutes maybe?) I sort of drifted off to another place. My eyes were closed and I felt like I was asleep except I could hear what everyone around me was saying and I couldn’t move or respond to anyone. This was the position where I started feeling an urge to push. At one point I felt you drop significantly lower and the pressure was so intense! I told Kim I wanted to push so she checked me. I was at 9 1/2cm and fully effaced.
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The rest of labor felt like an eternity. At first I was only feeling the urge to push every second or third contraction so it took forever before I felt like I knew how to push at all. I didn’t feel like I was making progress in the position I was in, but I had no idea what to do about it. Luckily Kim did and had me try some side lunges (one foot on a stool, swaying side to side). This felt productive, but after roughly 13 hours of labor and 3 hours of sleep I had very little energy left and I felt like putting most of my weight on one leg was more than I could handle.
A few times throughout the rest of labor I found myself shaking uncontrollably. It was an odd sensation, but not scary and both Kim and Faith assured me that it was totally normal. At one point Kim was texting with Jenny (the midwife who swept my membranes). She told me that Jenny said, “Go Hannah!” and I told her, “This is all her fault!!” Later on I looked at Nana between contractions and said, “This (having a baby) was YOUR idea!” Someone commented that I wasn’t blaming Daddy and I said, “Oh I’m WAY past that!”
Once I moved to the birth stool I felt a lot more progress. Every contraction came with the overwhelming urge to push. I hated the breaths between pushing because I could feel the pain. The pushing itself felt like a relief (although, yes, it was painful too). I had something to concentrate all of my energy on. I liked the birth stool because I was sitting low enough that Daddy could sit on the bed and I could lean back and kind of melt into him between contractions. I felt supported both physically and mentally by him which was exactly what I needed through the intensity. I could also hear Kyle, Kim, Faith and Keren encouraging me with every push which really felt good. I tried my best to relax between contractions, but when I felt one coming I panicked a little bit. I knew how much it was going to hurt and I knew I had to push which, while it felt like a relief, was scary! I was afraid of how much more it would hurt as your head came down. I knew you were close to coming to meet us. Every couple of pushes I’d start to breathe fast and make higher pitch noises. I knew I was freaking out. But then I’d hear Kim, “Lower. Breathe.” And I’d lower my noises and slow my breathing the best I could. “You’re going to meet your baby very soon.” I tried hard to concentrate on that. You were coming! Finally!
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Up to this point my bag of waters still had not broken. There was a possibility that you’d be born still in it, which we all thought was pretty cool. After a long time on the birth stool (An hour? More? My sense of time was way off), Kim said she could see your head and did I want to feel it? I reached down and felt what I thought was your head. That gave me some motivation to push harder and I felt a lot more progress through the next few pushes. The nurse who comes in for the baby came in and everyone started bustling around. I kept thinking it was go time! But then I heard Kim tell someone that it was just my bag of waters I was pushing out. It was bulging in front of your head and you were still a couple of centimeters up. She told that nurse that they’d call when it was time and she left to help someone else. I felt sort of defeated but had no choice but to keep going.
Then I heard Kim say she didn’t think the bag of waters would make it until birth and I felt a huge gush. I’m pretty sure she helped it along which helped me progress. Kim told me there was just a little bit of meconium in the water so there were two things that might happen when you were born. Either you’d come out breathing and they’d put you right on my chest like originally planned, or you’d come out and need a little bit of help and they’d send you right over to the doctor that would come in right before the birth. I remember groaning and thinking that there was no way I could do all this work and then not have you in my arms the second you got here.
When my water broke they had me move to the bed. I’m assuming it was as much so they could clean up as it was so that I could try another position. They had me lay on my back and put my feet up on a bar while I pulled on a sheet wrapped around the bar. Someone (I think Faith) said, “Like tug of war” and I kept thinking that right before I’d push. I felt a lot of progress in this position. I could feel you moving further down and I knew you were getting closer. I was less panicky here for some reason and I felt my pushes were more focused. The intensity of the contractions was the same, but somehow less painful that the ones before. Maybe just knowing that I was getting somewhere changed how it felt. Don’t get me wrong, it still HURT!
The other nurses and doctors came in to be ready for you when you got here. Daddy was handed a pair of gloves so he could help catch you and cut the cord. I remember hearing and processing what everyone was saying in this period of time. Kim explained one more time about what would happen if you came out and needed a little help. She told me in such a calm way that I didn’t even think to worry about it. Faith brought a mirror so I could see your head coming down. That was crazy and hard to process. Everything felt so fast at this point. The buildup was crazy. It was finally happening! You were coming!
Kim asked me to try to turn to my side and push. They removed the bar I was using for tug of war and got the bed in position to catch the baby. I tried to roll over to my left side and physically couldn’t do it. I ended up in the one position I never thought I’d give birth in – on my back, hands behind my knees, daddy holding one leg, and Faith and Kim holding the other. I remember while I was pushing thinking that my right leg was being pushed up harder than my left and that I was lopsided. It didn’t seem to matter though. A few pushes in this position and I could feel your head coming out. Kim asked me if I wanted to feel it. At first I said no because I didn’t think I could get my arm down there, but then I did. Feeling your little head was awesome! You were part way into the world!
It didn’t take long after that. I didn’t feel the “ring of fire” that everyone talks about. I was so focused on the feeling of your head coming out. I kept wondering how far out you were. If they could see your face yet. Daddy, Nana, Kim, Faith, and another nurse were all around me watching and working. I could see Aunt Katie sitting on the bench behind Nana. She looked a little freaked out, but I was glad she was there. And then I pushed and your head came out (along with that little fist that was always by your face in ultrasounds). Oh, the relief!! And then I pushed again and Kim and Daddy had you in their hands. You cried the sweetest little cry I’d ever heard and Daddy put you straight onto my chest. The relief was beyond overwhelming and to see your face was the best moment of my whole life. You were only crying a little, so they still had to suction you a little bit to help you. You were bright pink the second you came out though and looked so big and healthy! I was dying to know how much you weighed, but there was no way they were taking you out of my arms. I would’ve held you forever if I could’ve! Everyone was crying. You were so loved before you even got here, but once everyone saw you…
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I never thought I’d be the kind of woman who could or would have a natural childbirth. I thought birth would be intolerable pain that lasted forever. I thought it would be scary and overwhelming and that there was no way I could do it med free. In some ways I was right. In others I was so wrong. Yes, it hurt more than anything I’ve ever experienced in my life. Yes, it was scary and overwhelming and lasted for what felt like a lifetime. But I did it. And I didn’t even consider doing otherwise. I let my body do its work. It spent 9 months protecting and providing for you. And then I let it do what it needed to do to bring you into the world. I have no problem admitting I was scared and in pain. Because that’s okay. I did what was best for my baby and my body.
When all was said and done I labored for almost 16 hours and pushed for somewhere around 3 hours. I had a second degree tear (which Kim thought might be a 4th degree and require an OB to fix) and I don’t know how many stitches. And I had you. The most beautiful, precious thing in my life. My little love. 8lbs and 15oz, 20 ¾” long, 14” head circumference…a big boy who now seems so tiny in my arms. You have filled my heart to overflowing and I couldn’t possibly love you any more. Everyone in your life is completely enamored by you. You are beyond adored. You are my sweet sweet boy, Bennett James. I love you.
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